Here’s What That Cost Me.
Growing up, money wasn’t part of the conversations in my home. It wasn’t something I was encouraged to think about, talk about or given permission to manage, so I didn’t.
My dad handled the finances. I never heard my mom talk about money. No one encouraged me to ask questions or take a proactive role, so I never did. Money was my dad’s domain, and I absorbed that without even realizing it.
By the time I was an adult earning my own income, I had no idea what a 401(k) was or how to invest in stocks, and I was too embarrassed to admit it. I remember my mom telling me, “Managing money? That’s what a husband is for.”
Part of me knew that couldn’t fully be true. I was educated. I was capable. I knew a husband should never be your financial plan. But at the same time, I had absorbed years of messaging that said, “Money isn’t for women to worry about.”
I didn’t ask questions. Instead, I went into what I now call hyper-saving mode: tucking money away, avoiding bigger financial decisions, and playing it so safe that I was actually losing ground. I was too afraid to invest because somewhere along the way, I had learned that “the stock market isn’t for women.” As a result, I missed years of allowing my money to work for me.
The one area where I did invest intentionally was my children’s future. Every year, I contributed to Ohio 529 plans to help build college funds for each of my kids.
At the time, I thought I was being responsible because I saved consistently. Looking back, I can see I was also being avoidant, and it cost me opportunities to grow wealth and build financial confidence.
The Moment Everything Shifted
Nearly 10 years ago, I started to work with enlightenHer, supporting women emotionally who were navigating divorce. I was sharing some of the most financially vulnerable moments a woman can face. Sitting with these women, I kept seeing myself.
The confusion and shame. The feeling that money was somehow not my territory, even when it clearly was.
That’s when I started doing my own work.
As a certified relationship coach, I already understood that real change requires honesty about where you actually are, not where you wish you were. The same is true with money. You can’t map a path forward without knowing your starting point. Financial mindset comes before financial confidence, and you don’t get to skip that step.
Who’s Writing Your Story?
Here’s what I’ve found working with women of every age and background: almost all of us are running off a script we didn’t write.
The belief that money isn’t our responsibility, that we’re not good at it, that managing it is somehow beyond us. None of that came out of thin air. It came from our families, our communities, the culture we grew up inside of. Spoken and unspoken, those messages shaped how we see ourselves in ways most of us have never stopped to examine.
I’m not good with money.
I hear this all the time. I want to be clear: that is not a personality trait. It’s a story you were handed and never taught how to put down.
Money is a skill. Skills are learned. It doesn’t matter where you’re starting from, only that you start.
Just a Starting Point, Not a Life Sentence
Your head spins at spreadsheets. You’ve avoided looking at your accounts for longer than you’d like to admit. You’re carrying debt, or carrying guilt and hoarding the money you’ve worked hard to earn. It is okay. All of it is a starting point, not a verdict. As long as you don’t let it become your destiny.
What I want every woman to know is that the stories holding you back can be replaced. The myths can be dismantled. You can learn to make smart decisions that move you toward the life you actually want, not someone else’s version of it. And then you can turn around and show the other women in your life how to do the same.
I have watched so many women have that moment. The one where they look up and think, wait. I can actually do this. There is nothing like being in the room when it happens.
I learned all of this the hard way, and I’m here so you don’t have to.
Hi, I’m Heather Hetchler. I am an author, speaker, certified relationship coach, and a core part of the enlightenHer team. I work with women to untangle their money mindset and build a healthy relationship with money to make decisions that build wealth and change their lives.
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